Inside Aging Parent Care

Caregiving Denial

By Bill May 16th, 2010

“Hill, what hill? I didn’t see any hill!” I saw this message on a t-shirt. “Caregiving, what caregiving? I don’t see any caregiving” is the reaction I get from friends and coworkers when I tell them about our website. They may visit the site out of courtesy, but they don’t linger. Those of us caring for elderly and dying parents are invisible, and some non-caregivers prefer it that way.

Confronting aging, illness, dying, and death are not part of our mainstream culture. Most people are unwilling to prepare for dealing with an elderly relative in the process of losing his or her independence. As I talk about my experiences as a caregiver, a change of subject is the usual response. I am having trouble dealing with this. Caregiving and now writing about caregiving is …

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I'm a Caregiver. I'm not God

By Bill May 13th, 2010

I’m not God.

I just heard an interview with Gail Sheehy where she mentions that caregivers cannot be God. In caring for an aging parent, we are not in charge of what the elderly person wants, they are. A caregiver has enough burdens without attempting to make their decisions about living for them.

Our loved ones deserve respect and dignity. That means not nagging about how they conduct their daily routine. My father-in-law often refuses to shave or shower. He sometimes won’t pick up after himself. He doesn’t eat what I think is enough. He won’t do physical therapy or participate in the exercise class. I put a lot of energy in to trying to get him to do those things. I was wasting my time.

What he does like to do is see …

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Caring for the Elderly and Greek Mythology

By Bill May 11th, 2010

Sisyphus is the character in Greek mythology condemned to roll a huge rock up a hill, only to have it roll back to the bottom of the hill, where he had to start all over again. This he does for eternity. The caregiver’s task is similar. Day after day is consumed with the details of managing for someone who can’t manage for themselves. There is a big difference in that the caregiver’s task ends with the death of the elderly loved one. What a way to end a continuous act of love.

Before agreeing to help start this blog site, I didn’t realize how writing and discussing these issues with Carol and Judi would bring up the depth of feeling I am now experiencing. Any caregiver of an aging parent begins an emotionally …

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In Caregiving-Is Honesty Always The Best Policy?

By Judi May 6th, 2010

After my parents separated, my mother went through a really rough time. The separation was not her idea, she was heartbroken over their split up. I remember as a teenager, sitting with her while she cried and cried. It was confusing and very hard on me and terribly hard on her. But Mom was tough, she was a survivor.

Following their separation, my parents continued to work together in their business. They tried to maintain a business partnership while dissolving their marriage. Eventually, they were able to have a working relationship but until that was resolved it was hell on my mother. How Dad took it, I have no idea, he didn’t talk to us about it.

Then Mom met Bernie. He was the love of her life. After they retired, they moved to …

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Ways To Remember Mother On Mother's Day

By Judi May 5th, 2010

Mother’s Day is fast approaching. This year will be our first without Mom. I am having a hard time defining myself as an adult without a mother. It seems unreal, and I don’t know how to behave. Others have traveled this path before us and have found a way to come to terms with a life without their parents, especially at the holidays which remind us all so much of our loss.

I have decided to honor my mother’s memory this year by planting a Forget-Me-Not in my garden. Each time I see it, I can think of the mother of my childhood and of the day long ago when she planted the same flower in her garden-a gift from me. I can think of all the gifts she gave me over the years …

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