WHAT ARE WE UP TO AT INSIDE AGING PARENT CARE?
This is partly a journal of our experiences as caregivers in general and in particular as witnesses to the gradual decline of Carol and Judi’s elderly father. This will not be about the daily jobs of arranging and implementing caregiving. Instead it will be about how we react to these issues and what we’ve learned about keeping ourselves sane as we stumble down this road together.
While our path is unique, we also realize that we do not travel this way alone. You who are with us or ahead of us on the path are ready to extend a helping hand, to share your own stories, to offer what you have learned, and to explore what you are still struggling to understand. All it takes is a word about our situation as caregivers to unleash a torrent of empathy, vulnerability, and advice from friends, coworkers and passing strangers all hungry for connection and desperate for some kind of exchange.
We hope this blog will carry us all from caregiver desperation to connection, support, conversation and a new understanding of ourselves and our loved ones at this terrible and mysterious stage of life. We may at the least relieve some of our caregiver stress through sharing and listening. At best we may find a way to redeem our fears about the inevitable end of this road in the hopes of rising above negative attitudes about aging and death.
Carol and Bill live in Denver and together were primary caregivers for Carol and Judi’s father Frank who at 89 made the brave decision to move halfway across the country and a mile higher in altitude to be near some of his family. Our caregiving also involves one another as we age and face our own health concerns.
Frank wanted to maintain his independence in an assisted living facility not far from our home in South Denver. Good thing, as our “retirement” cottage is too small for elder care. Will it continue to be suitable for us, we wonder, as we get older? We also wonder if we will ever actually retire from our jobs. Not real soon, we think.
WILLIAM SHANKS
I am a history major who treats water for a living. When I am asked when I will retire, I don’t know. I ride my bicycle and motorcycle, wander in the desert, read, caregive, and work. I encountered caregiving issues in high school when my near blind grandmother came to live with us and then when my mother died of cancer. In my 40’s my father had a heart attack followed by a stroke that killed him. I am grateful I was able to be with him for those three weeks. My years with Carol have involved almost constant caregiving for her family members, sometimes here in Denver and also via airplane and telephone.
JUDI LEAVENWORTH
Up until our mothers death in September of 2009, I was the primary family caregiver for Mom who lived in a skilled care facility in Boise.
Prior to moving our mother from North Carolina to Boise, I coordinated all of her care from a distance. Long distance caregiving is really hard. It adds a lot of challenges to an already difficult situation. Still, it was what I had to deal with at the time and and I did the best that I could.
After Mom’s life partner died we decided to move her from North Carolina to Boise. Moving Mother was difficult but it made things easier, too. I feel really fortunate to have been able to spend more time with her at the end of her life, and yet I feel like I could have done more. I am especially thankful that I had an understanding and helpful partner in Willie, my significant other. His caring support helped me get through it all. I hope I can do the same for him when the time comes.
I miss Mother terribly. It is strange not to have her here anymore. I am in a different stage now, I guess “post caregiver” is what you could call me. I am still trying to sort out my feelings, still trying to learn from her example. I am attempting to apply the things I have learned from her end of life days to my remaining days. I am still trying to forgive myself for the ways I feel I failed her.
Judi lives and works in Boise, Idaho. Aside from her full time job in banking operations she runs a business called Internet Traffic Solutions, helping small local businesses gain customers through online marketing. You can check out her website at www.InternetTrafficSolution.com
My father just passed away 2 weeks ago after a 30 year struggle with a heart condition. I cared for my mom (Alzheimer’s/ Cancer) and dad in their home eventually she had to move to long-term care in our community. After my mom moved to the facility dad was lost and frustrated and couldn’t function in the home alone. I was desperate to help him. He didn’t need nursing care and he didn’t want to move to a retirement home. So after research and development we came up with this concept.
Dad purchased a percentage interest in a single family home with 3 other seniors, together they hired a Homemaker (we call her a Housemom) to help with daily living. He shared the common expenses and lived for less (1/4 of the cost of the household) while still maintaining his privacy and control. He absolutely loved it. It works and I would recommend it for all seniors and most importantly I was able to visit him as the daughter again not the overwhelmed frustrated caregiver that I was a year before.
What a great solution!
Thanks to Carol and Bills’ endless spirit of caregiving, my mother who is 89 years old and their neighbor enjoys living alone in her home with the knowledge that a friend is just a few steps away. Mom and I would be lost without their goodness.
We appreciate your kind thoughts, Faye. Your mom is the heart of the neighborhood.
Thank you for all you do as her primary caregiver.
Thank you for doing this. I have posted your website link on Facebook and will spread the word.
Enza
Your site will be a benefit to caregivers experiencing similar challenges. Best of luck to you. Thanks for chronicling your journey.
Derrick
A lovely person name Carol left a comment on the NY Times article that was done on my mom that suffered from alzheimer and passed away last year. I was grateful to find this site and have forwarded to all my family members and friends. It helped me to know that what I was going thru was normal and different ways to think about it from other people’s journeys. The New York Times link that feature a bit of the song that I wrote trying to show my mom from the side of music.
http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/04/15/a-song-about-forgetting/
PS Just noticed that Carol that this maybe your website, if you are the same Carol that left the comment on mom’s page. If so THANK YOU for sharing. I have heard back from alzheimer association in NY, not quite sure where they stand on music about alzheimer but also received an email request to speak at an upcoming forum on this issue and to sing the song. I think, I shall do it. Peace and Blessings
I am so touched by your comment, as I was by your song and the New Old Age article on your mom. You have been through one of life’s most difficult journeys, and I am filled with admiration for you that you are reaching out to others on that same journey with your music and your presence. Blessings right back at you.