Frank died last Wednesday night. We knew he was dying but it still came as a shock. “So soon? There are things we want to say; loved ones are coming.” He did it his way. We had met with the hospice chaplain that morning, and he talked about how important it is for the dying person to know that the children will be OK and that they can go.
Now, is saying that stressful? And when they proceed to die, is that stressful?
Then come the “What if’s” and the “If only’s”. We are feeling grief, a degree of disbelief, relief, guilt for feeling relieved, sadness, emptiness, and a host of other feelings I can’t name. We get these feelings right when there are lots of decisions to be made and much physical work to be done rather quickly.
Luckily, one of the most common feelings, anger, has not been too prominent. The outburst came from me and was directed at Carol, who had done nothing to deserve my rant. Fortunately, I know what to do when I get angry for no reason–shut up and sleep on it. I am usually rational the next day.
My own experience and my reading on the subject indicate that anger is common with those who are losing or have lost an elderly parent. It’s easier to feel anger than grief. After all, we are more experienced at feeling angry, and you can focus anger on someone near to you. Grief is personal, not directed at another, and although it can be shared with others, it is hard to do so, especially for men.
Fighting over the bones, or rather money or things, is all too common. Wrangling about final details is another way to avoid dealing with all the real feelings arising from a death. As all of us who are writing for this site or following the writing are sensitive and highly evolved people, let’s agree to not get into anger so we can stay with feeling overwhelmed. OK?
Each family is definitely in an alternative universe after the death of a parent and more so for a person after the death of his or her spouse, I’ve heard. It seems like the more we do before a parent dies — the conversations, the confirmation of wishes, the recognition of legacies –the easier the time following a death can be. The grief cannot be alleviated, and sometimes the anger goes along with it, but the extra confusion and emotions can, at least to a point, be lessened.
I seriously agree about the sleep, even when we are not talking about aging parents, caregiving, end-of-life and all of the other aspects of this time of life. Just about any time I feel really out of sorts, I come to realize, thought sometimes it’s a bit late, that I need to go to sleep and let my brain rest! Please keep sharing about this sad time in your lives. All of us can benefit and learn from the experiences of one another. We are hot here in Virginia, too.
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