Frank died last Wednesday night. We knew he was dying but it still came as a shock. “So soon? There are things we want to say; loved ones are coming.” He did it his way. We had met with the hospice chaplain that morning, and he talked about how important it is for the dying person to know that the children will be OK and that they can go.
Now, is saying that stressful? And when they proceed to die, is that stressful?
Then come the “What if’s” and the “If only’s”. We are feeling grief, a degree of disbelief, relief, guilt for feeling relieved, sadness, emptiness, and a host of other feelings I can’t name. We get these feelings right when there are lots of decisions to be made and much physical work to be done rather quickly.
Luckily, one of the most common feelings, anger, has not been too prominent. The outburst came from me and was directed at Carol, who had done nothing to deserve my rant. Fortunately, I know what to do when I get angry for no reason–shut up and sleep on it. I am usually rational the next day.
My own experience and my reading on the subject indicate that anger is common with those who are losing or have lost an elderly parent. It’s easier to feel anger than grief. After all, we are more experienced at feeling angry, and you can focus anger on someone near to you. Grief is personal, not directed at another, and although it can be shared with others, it is hard to do so, especially for men.
Fighting over the bones, or rather money or things, is all too common. Wrangling about final details is another way to avoid dealing with all the real feelings arising from a death. As all of us who are writing for this site or following the writing are sensitive and highly evolved people, let’s agree to not get into anger so we can stay with feeling overwhelmed. OK?
I am in such a state right now….my mother has end stage liver disease….from drinking for years and years(she has not drank since the diagnosis in 06 when they gave her 6 mos to live btw)…is a retired psychologist and although she lives in my home and is totally dependent on my for everything from her nasty ass cigarettes to her food…she is just the nastiest thing I have ever seen. She still has her mind (pain killer clouded…but that is nothing new)….but UHHHG she has become so vindictive and hatefull….at a point I should love her more than ever…I ONLY resent the whole situation!
Caregiving can be a pretty tough job, Jeff, especially for family caregivers whose emotions are involved. Your mother may be suffering from untreated alcohol withdrawal, not the physical aspects at this point, but the emotional part of it all. Has she been through treatment or gone to AA? If not, she may be expressing a lifetime of anger and rage that she has never learned how to manage. And you are the convenient target. All this makes the whole job even tougher. Don’t give yourself a hard time for not feeling loving toward your mom when she is being abusive toward you. You are showing amazing love through your care of her. You need some help and support yourself at this point.
Understanding that as a caregiver you can and must take care of yourself first is key. See my post http://www.desperatecaregivers.com/the-alchemy-of-caregiving-embrace-the-caregiver-role
Maybe you can bring in some in-home health care aids who can relieve you of the hands on care. You might be happier moonlighting somewhere for the extra funds to pay for pros to care for your mom rather than caring for her alone. I assume you have hospice since your mom is at the end stage of her illness. Reach out to them for help, support and counseling for yourself and for respite so that you can take a much needed break.
Good luck, Jeff. Caring for an aging parent who is ill and unhappy is one of the hardest jobs there is.
My mother is dying from a brain tumor and I and my husband are helping my stepfather to care for her, though we are carrying most of the burden of physically daily caring for her.
I am unbelievably stressed out. My whole body hurts and it is getting worse. We have been taking care of her for 6 months.
I have tried every stress relieving tip I can find and nothing has helped so far. That is my main point is that nothing is helping me feel better and I am sure I am not the only one out there who feels this way.
Anna, you are definitely not alone. Our stress as caregivers comes from so many sources–the time and energy it takes to manage another person’s life along side our own, the physical effort we expend in hands on care, the pressure of making life and death decisions that we are not trained or prepared to make, not to speak of the exhaustion that comes when someone we love is suffering. With all we do, it sometimes seems like there is not a moment in the day that is not filled with pain and fatigue.
Last Sunday I attended a program on end of life issues and met a lovely woman, Lynn, who volunteers at one of our local hospice programs here in Denver. Her job with hospice is to provide short term respite care for in home hospice patients. What that means is that once or twice a week she visits the patient’s home for three or four hours at a stretch so that caregivers can leave for awhile. She says people might go shopping or to an appointment or just take a nap while she’s in charge.
I hope you can find some respite care in your community so that you and your husband can get away on a regular basis–maybe go out for lunch or to a movie together or attend a support group for caregivers. Possibly there is a counselor in your area who specializes in working with caregivers. As Judi so wisely says in a recent post, we have to fill our own cup first if we are going to be able to do this important and heartbreaking job over the long haul.
I hope you keep visiting us at Inside Aging Parent Care
Carol
Each family is definitely in an alternative universe after the death of a parent and more so for a person after the death of his or her spouse, I’ve heard. It seems like the more we do before a parent dies — the conversations, the confirmation of wishes, the recognition of legacies –the easier the time following a death can be. The grief cannot be alleviated, and sometimes the anger goes along with it, but the extra confusion and emotions can, at least to a point, be lessened.
I seriously agree about the sleep, even when we are not talking about aging parents, caregiving, end-of-life and all of the other aspects of this time of life. Just about any time I feel really out of sorts, I come to realize, thought sometimes it’s a bit late, that I need to go to sleep and let my brain rest! Please keep sharing about this sad time in your lives. All of us can benefit and learn from the experiences of one another. We are hot here in Virginia, too.
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