Dad didn’t quite make it to the Fourth of July, but “independence” was his rallying cry. Maintaining his independence was his first concern when he moved to Denver two years ago. Assisted living enabled him to secure the level of independence that he craved. He had his own apartment there, and that became home to him. He made the choice to engage hospice care only when he was assured that he could preserve his independence by remaining in his home.
In the final week of his 91years my father was still saying “I’m fine.” He said “I’m fine” the last day of his life. It was his way of saying “Leave me alone—I’m handling things my way.”
I’ll never hear the phrase “skin and bones” again without flashing back to Dad in his last days. Already too thin when he moved to Denver, Frank lost nearly 40 pounds in the last year of his life. We brought him mocha frappuccinos (double whip) and coaxed him to eat. He was pretty independent about this and ate when and what he wanted to. Or not. We shouldn’t have been surprised.
He was still in charge and taking care of things in his way as he was dying. As much as I wanted to help him, he was determined to make sure I was okay. We struggled a little over who would be helping whom at this juncture. He wanted to acknowledge he was dying, I think, but he was The Dad and also needed to be my protector.
He was a bit crafty about it all and slipped away from us just a little too quickly. For me, I hadn’t quite had the time to tell him everything I thought I wanted to say to reassure him on his journey. Bill, I think, just hadn’t yet managed to say good-bye since Dad didn’t recognize him the last time Bill visited him alone. And for Judi and other family members, there weren’t enough hours left to us to enable them to speak to him or be with him as they had hoped in his last days.
He surprised us in the end when he left on his own schedule–still independent and a little too fast. I guess those who say that the end always comes too soon are right. Even though we were expecting Dad to be leaving, we weren’t ready. But he was. And he didn’t want the fuss. He never wanted that.
Happy Independence Day, Dad.
