Most people become caregivers of aging parents with no experience in dealing with the aged and infirm. Visiting the comments on any caregiving website will have stories that stay with you for days. There are stories about bad care facilities, people whose marriages have failed because the spouse could not deal with the demands of caregiving, bad medical advice, and so on.
A special problem is when the children of elderly parents live a long distance from the one needing care. When the elder can no longer live independently without help, what to do?
Fortunately there are Geriatric Care Managers who can help. Several years ago Frank was living independently in his home in Florida. We visited about twice a year from our home in Denver. You can see pictures taken during several of our visits on the video in Judi’s post In Celebration of a Life. Frank did pretty well on his own for a number of years after his wife’s death, with an active social life with neighbors and friends in his central Florida town. He went on a cruise to the Panama Canal, had boating outings, and stayed active with his daily walks.
However, it became apparent that things were slipping. Frank’s memory wasn’t too good, and he became increasingly frail, from a man who could leap across a flooded gutter during a rainstorm to a man taking six inch steps. Things came to a head when we visited and saw the stack of unopened mail piled on the dining room table. Bills were going unpaid; the utilities department was beginning to make threats.
Frank wanted to stay independent, but we knew he was no longer able to manage alone. The solution was a geriatric care manager. Elinor was able to make regular visits, found someone to help Frank with the bills, found a person to accompany him on errands, and in general aided him in staying in his home, something we could not do from 1500 miles away. The day Frank woke up on the floor after a bad fall, Elinor knew what to do. She called us, and had Frank in assisted living that evening. Elinor helped us in dealing with the assisted living home. She helped us with the transition and all the details of selling the house and contents. There just weren’t too many details and questions she didn’t have answers for.
Without a geriatric care manager Frank would have lost his independence several years sooner and we would have been burdened with trying to do long-distance caregiving that was sure to fail.
Thank you for getting back to me. My mom is still able to maintain her own hygiene and she still likes going places with me when we can. After she had her stroke she was in a nursing home for 2 weeks and during that time I checked into every possible avenue of help I could think of. Unfortunately, she did not qualify for anything because she is able to take care of herself, as far as personal hygiene is concerned. So I pretty much gave up. She’s very stubborn and I know she can be very social when she’s in those situations, however, she will not take the initiative to do anything socially unless it’s with me. I don’t know what else to do, other than keep in contact with you guys and hope for just some positive feedback. My husband is very patient, thank God, and he listens, but he’s just as frustrated as me. The only other thing I can think of is to take whatever money she has, put it in our names, then she might qualify for something. I have already taken over her checkbook for bills, she doesn’t drive anymore and I really don’t want to take control over the only thing she has left, and that’s her savings account. She’s depressed enough. Can I just vent?
Absolutely–that’s what we’re here for.
I’m the sole caregiver of my 92 year old mom. My husband and I live above her in a duplex. She fell and broke her pelvis last Fall, then 3 months later, had a mild stroke. Her memory is not the same, her balance is awful, she has become very frail, but still wants to be active. She is depressed and that makes me depressed. I work full time, tend to her needs as best I can, but sometimes she can be so negative and I just feel overwhelmed, bitter, resentful that my sister chooses to not be involved, sad that my active mom is not there anymore. I don’t know how to sort out these feelings, what should I feel first? She had a terrible life growing up and recently has become more and more occupied with thoughts of all the bad things that happened to her, her losses, etc. I try and be patient and listen, but I’ve heard these stories a million times and it just brings me down too. Then I feel guilty if I say anything because I’m all she has to talk to. She is not social, has no hobbies, so time thinking is what she does best. How do I do this?
It sounds to me like it is impossible to do all that is needed for your mom by yourself especially with the medical problems that she has developed recently. I have no doubt that your mother would be eligible for palliative care for her pain, depression and whatever residual symptoms she has from her stroke. Not only that, palliative care would provide assistance with bathing and dressing, etc. if she needs this freeing up your time for other things including perhaps a walk or a nap. New people around her would break some of the social isolation she is experiencing. They might have volunteers who would come in and visit with her, read to her or take her for a walk if that is possible.
My main point here is that you need help. And palliative care help may be exactly what your mom needs too. Palliative care is sometimes confused with hospice, but it is not hospice in that there is no need to discontinue medical treatment when palliative care is engaged. However, Medicare will pay a large portion of the expense of palliative care and if your mother has a Medicare supplemental plan as my dad did, all of the cost will be covered.
Other sources of helpful information you might check out are our According To Bill page and the post titled The Caregiver Desperation Scale. This latter offers a somewhat humorous way to measure your stress levels–important information that is helps in deciding whether respite is optional or a necessity.
It is no wonder that you feel overwhelmed by your feelings. Caregiving can be such a painful experience, especially as parents age, develop illnesses and grow closer to death. I’m glad that you are reaching out for support. I hope that you have friends who understand what you are dealing with. Please keep reaching out for support and asking for help.
Carol