Grieving My Elderly Father’s Death

Going Down to Visit the Crocodile

The numbness and shock that I felt last month immediately after my 91 year-old father’s death passed in a couple of weeks.  Soon I began to experience waves of sadness, deep fatigue, a lack of focus, physical clumsiness and a diminished ability to solve complex problems—all symptoms of grief.  I found myself staring into space wondering what to do next at the same time that I felt the overwhelming pressure of the many tasks that accompany the death of a parent.  I was having trouble sleeping, and when I did drop off, my sleep was disturbed by vaguely threatening dreams that I could never recall.

Then I had a dream that I did remember.  In this dream I walk down a hill to the edge of the water where I encounter a crocodile.  I am captivated by her, and return to visit her several times.  On my last visit, her nest is filled with baby crocodiles—thirteen in all.

Before I had this dream, the painful feelings and memories that immediately arose when I closed my eyes made sleep elusive.  I tried to lull myself to sleep by listening to recorded books.  Being alone in the dark with the contents of my mind was just too painful, and I only wanted to rest.

I took this dream to be a reminder of the creativity that can emerge out of embracing a threatening or seemingly dangerous energy in the psyche.  The dream felt like a call to face the painful feelings and memories that came up each night instead of attempting to avoid them.

Working with the Crocodile

Now at night when I close my eyes I imagine that I am going down to visit the crocodile.  Sometimes she welcomes me with a difficult image, sometimes with a sorrowful feeling or even twitchy feet.  Sometimes I fall asleep easily, but wake up in the the early morning hours with distressing thoughts or difficult memories that I need to welcome and accept.  These nights I am often conscious of dreams where I am working very hard to solve a problem or finish a project.

But overall I am sleeping better now.  And my intuition tells me that not only is this approach to grieving healthier for me, but that the promise of the thirteen baby crocodiles is a gift of acceptance and of a renewal that awaits me.

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