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“What If’s” and “If Only’s” in the Aftermath of Caregiving

Recently one of our readers wrote to us about some of his feelings following the death of his mother.  “I am overwhelmed with guilt for not always being a good caregiver – giving in to work stressors, tiredness, other concerns,” he said.  “…I go over every detail of caregiving and find the things I believe I did and didn’t do.  It is sad as I wanted to do the best for my Mom, but I feel I failed her.”

We’ve talked to a lot of caregivers who feel the same as our reader.  Years after his mother’s death, one friend who had spent a couple of hours every day after work with her at her assisted living residence confesses that he feels he didn’t do enough.  Now, when Judi, Bill and I look back …

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Dad In The Rear View Mirror

Sometimes when we were driving, and I was in the backseat with my brother, I would watch my dad’s eyes. Then he would looked at me in the rear view mirror;

and he would smile.

my dad…

handsome

silently carried the wounds of a World War-on his body, in his heart

raised and provided for a family

tucked me in at night

created a thriving business

“99.999% pure democrat-pure as the driven snow”

followed his dreams of beekeeping and sailing

saved a woman and left her

loved a woman and buried her

lived 91 years, 10 months

I love you daddy…

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Technorati Tags: coping with death, Death of a Parent, family memories

Instant and Lifetime Caregivers

Last week Carol and I were on our way to a talk on caregiving for windows.  We have an older house with steel casement windows that need repair, painting, and weatherproofing.  Most window experts cringe at the thought of approaching a steel casement window. So we were glad to learn that this expert would attempt to address the issue.

On the way, we were on a one way street with a 30 MPH speed limit.  We were going 35, and traffic was roaring past us.  As we approached a busy cross street, we heard a loud thunk in front of us. Several bystanders ran to help, as it was apparent there were injuries.   We picked our way through the debris (lots of books) and went on.

I was struck that in an instant on …

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Dad’s Independence Day Redux

Here it is–another 4th of July and Dad has been gone more than one full year.  We had our quiet remembrance of his passing on Friday.  I decided to re-post a piece from last year because it still says it best.

Dad didn’t quite make it to the Fourth of July, but “independence” was his rallying cry.  Maintaining his independence was his first concern when he moved to Denver two years ago.  Assisted living enabled him to secure the level of independence that he craved.  He had his own apartment there, and that became home to him.   He made the choice to engage hospice care only when he was assured that he could preserve his independence by remaining in his home.

In the final week of his 91years my father was still …

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Deep Inside Aging Parent Care One Year Later

We were both blessed and cursed with the chance to travel with my father Frank down the long road toward the land of death.  We went as far as we could with him.  Then we turned back to make the return trip without him.  We were changed and our lives were changed by the experience of his dying and by losing him.

In just a very few days it will be the first anniversary of Dad’s death.  Last year at this time, the hospice nurses thought he had another two weeks or more remaining to him.  On what turned out to be the last day of Dad’s life, Bill and I consulted with the hospice chaplain.   I was trying to prepare myself for our last days together and to find the words to say …

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