It just occurred to me today that this is the first year of my life that I haven’t had a mother on Mother’s Day. The thought hit me like a ton of bricks and left me feeling dazed and with little enthusiasm for anything related to Mother’s Day this year. In fact, I’d like to skip right over it but of course, reminders are everywhere.
In the past, Mother’s Day had always been about flowers and Mother. When I was young the tradition was a trip to the greenhouse to bring home a trunk load of plants in flats. We always bought Mom a special plant to give to her for Mother’s Day. I remember one particular year I bought Mom a Forget-Me-Not plant. Mom tucked it in between some rocks at the front of her flower bed. Whenever I saw it’s tiny blue flowers nestled between the rocks I remembered that trip to the green house and how much Mom loved her flowers. I wonder if that same little plant is still blooming there all these years later?
In recent years the tradition has involved collecting Mom from the nursing home, loading her into my car and going somewhere for brunch. She always enjoyed getting out of the nursing home and eating different food; she really enjoyed these outings and was always a pleasant and gracious companion. We would laugh and exchange cards and of course there would be flowers. It was nice to see her happy and to spend time with her away from the nursing home.
Last year, Carol and Bill came to Boise to visit around Mother’s Day. We spent part of the day at the Idaho Botanical Gardens, a place Mom really loved to visit. Bill had the honors of pushing her along in her wheel chair up and down the mountain, while Carol and I followed along, pointing out the sites to Mom. After we toured the gardens, we had a picnic lunch on the grounds. During lunch Carol read a book to Mom, a story that Mom had read to Carol when she was a child. I gave her a photo collage with pictures of us as little kids with a beautiful picture of her as a child in the middle.
This year, there seems to be a big hole right here where Mother’s Day belongs. I’m not looking for cards, not visiting florists, not planning outings. It feels strange, like I’m forgetting something important. How does one get comfortable with the idea of a life without a mother? Who is this day for now? Me?
I’m not sure what I will discover about myself this first year as a motherless child. I know Mother’s Day will never hold the same meaning for me. I am not the same child who bought flowers for her mother 45 years ago. I am not the same child I was just last year at this time, sitting with her mother in a magical garden. I know I miss her, the memories I have often bring tears to my eyes. I have a strong feeling that I should create a new tradition to honor her memory. I think it begins by planting a Forget-Me-Not among the rocks at the edge of my garden.
We would like to share with you the DVD of our Mother’s Day outing at the Idaho Botanical Gardens.
We had such a wonderful time and we will always remember that day with Mom in the garden. This DVD turned out to be such a beautiful tribute that we also played it at Mom’s memorial service. You can create your own video slideshow memory for free at animoto.com.
Please post a comment here and let us know what Mother’s Day means to you without your mother.
Lois-I’m sure your mother would be proud of you for coming together as a family on Mother’s Day to follow one of her last wishes.
This is my first Mother’s Day without Mum too. My mother was always trying to get us to drive down to her house on Cape Cod and go to church on Mother’s Day. We drove down but usually walked the beach as she went to church alone. This year her kids (if you’re middle aged, can you still be a kid?) are all going to church together, as we should have done while my mother was alive. As she lay dying my mother also dished out instructions to each one of us. On Mother’s Day we’re all helping each other obey those final instructions.
What a great idea, Jennifer. I’ll bet there are others of you out there that have developed new Mother’s Day rituals after your mother’s death. Judi and I would love to hear of them.
This is also my first Mother’s Day without a mother. I decided a nice thing to do would be to send cards to all the people in my life who have substituted as a mother to me- my closest friends’ mothers, my only remaining aunt, my godmother, etc. Whether I follow through on this grand idea of mine remains to be seen! But needless to say, there’s a gaping hole in my life too